To hear the papers tell it, Sean Fear is in hiding. The papers say Sean is suicidal, that a string of call girls working under the cover of night is the only thing keeping him among the living. But everyone knows the papers always write around—or near—the facts and the fact is Sean is a major movie star and major movie stars rate higher than the president in importance. That's Gina's favorite line.
What the papers don't mention is the armed security guard at the gate to Sean's Mulholland Drive house.
"Jesus," Gina says, shifting in the back of the idling cab as she adjusts the blue-gray Daisy Mae Western cowboy hat I bought for her for our trip, saying, “Everyone in Hollywood wears a hat,” a joke I was sure she would laugh at. Gina massages her bloated stomach, our unborn little girl. We're having trouble agreeing on a name. Last week the choices were Lori, Judy, Susan or Maple. Before we boarded the plane in Phoenix I suggested Gina. Sure I was trying to be funny, but I was trying to be endearing, too. Naming our child is not our only problem.
"Look at that," I say, pointing out two more guards near the front of the house. The bay windows overlooking LA are curtained, the palm trees lining the driveway still. "Is Heidi here?" I ask.
"You asked me that on the plane," Gina says.
"I know. What did you tell me? I forgot," I say. The question seems more relevant now, is all.
"I told you yes."
"But the engagement is off, right?" I say, trying to redeem myself. Appearing to pay attention is half of anything.
Gina nods, shifting again, impatiently wanting the Mexican cab driver, who is listening for something he could sell to the papers, to stop the cab. Anything he could learn from me and Gina would be tame compared to what has been said since someone sold a tape of Sean and an unknown minor to the news.
I pay the cab driver, who thanks me in Spanish, a supposed beautiful language but a language I hate, and drives away. The left taillight is out and the right one blinks lazily as the cab driver gets one last look.
"Are you going to carry my bags?" Gina asks, still pissed since my recent announcement that I was going to quit my sales job where I litter the world with sporting goods. Littering is what Gina calls it.
She demanded to know why I was quitting but I told her, hey babe, relax, I got a master plan. She doesn't like talk like that, my Hollywood talk, but I know she's just upset about what has happened to her brother.
I was the one who suggested we visit, trying to be a nice guy.
The guards posted outside the front door seem to know who we are, the taller one nodding in a way that suggests he's seen me before and it gives me the heebie jeebies.
Sean opens the front door.
"Michael," Gina says, relief in her voice.
"Hi, sis," he says, his dark eyes lighting up under his white baseball cap. As they hug, Sean makes a theatrical move to avoid Gina's bulging stomach. You love the theatrical moves.
"Hey, Sean," I say. We shake hands. Gina has asked me to call him Michael, especially now, but I've only ever known him as Sean. When he was Gina's brother Michael, he was off in California, becoming Sean Fear. Michael is the skinny dark-haired teenager in Gina's family album at home; Sean is blond, tan, and fit. Besides, once you start calling someone Sean, you can't just start calling him Michael. "How's Heidi?" I ask.
"She's inside," he says, helping with our bags.
The air conditioner in the long hall blows down from the ceiling vents, cold. The sudden change in temperature makes me shiver. We leave the bags next to the expensive teak and marble thing under the mirror. I run my fingers along the inside of a bisected rock up on a shelf until the voices in the front room tell me I'm lagging behind.
Heidi is sprawled out on the brown leather sofa, her head all the way back like a murder victim. She tries to come to life when she sees us but can only manage a smile and a weak salute with her thin arm. The sun outside sneaks in around the dark curtains, white and hot.
"I need to rest a little," Gina says, leaning against the smooth wall.
"This way," Sean says.
The air conditioning vent in the bedroom is closed and I open it, the chilled air pushing its way around the room, chasing the hot air back on itself until the whole room is cold. Gina settles comfortably on the bed, her body swallowing most of its surface.
"Do you need anything?" I ask. I'd be glad to get her anything she needed.
"No," she answers. The room grows colder.
"I'll just be in the kitchen," I say. "If you need anything--"
"Okay," she says, closing her eyes.
I survey the landscape before I go, watching her enormous belly rise up and grow, every day the baby becoming that much older, too old now for the abortion I'd suggested anyway, so why couldn't she forget I'd even mentioned it. It was just an option, one so far removed from reality as to be the words coming from the television, but words she can't forget. If I could get them back, I'd erase them from my vocabulary.
I close the door and Sean is asking Heidi if she needs anything. Heidi hears, but doesn't answer.
"She's still upset," Sean tells me when we're alone in the kitchen. "I don't blame her."
"At least she's here," I say. "You're lucky to have her, I mean."
"She is great," Sean admits. "Do you want anything?"
I do, but say I don't.
Sean pours himself a glass of grapefruit juice and I tell him I'll have one, too. We sit at the kitchen table and the shine from the clean tile coupled with the low hum of the stainless steel refrigerator gives the impression of time travel.
Sean sighs and then smiles, seeing I am uncomfortable, not knowing if I want to talk about his problems or not. I don't really, there's nothing to say, I'm a little uneasy about him, not used to seeing him without his movie star smile. Looking at him, all I can see is the tape, him and the girl, silhouettes on hotel sheets, maybe the Ritz Carlton, the two this way and that, up and under, in and out. On the tape all you hear him say is, "that's good, that's good."
Before I'd seen the tape, I imagined Sean dazzling women in bed; I liked to think about Heidi especially. His quick, short movements on the tape erased that image and Gina momentarily stopped talking about him all the time. It's the one thing you get tired of, hearing how great Sean is.
"How's the baby coming along?" he asks.
"Three more months," I say. He seems ready for the next subject, his mind scanning for a common bond.
"Gina still working?" he asks.
I nod, not wanting to tell him that she quit her court reporting job not because of the pregnancy but because the stress of his ordeal was too much for her concentration. This small lie forces itself from my lips before I really consider it, before I figure out Gina will probably mention that she quit her job.
The grapefruit juice tastes like acid in my mouth.
Heidi calls his name and he stands up, automatic, going for the cupboard. He tilts a brown plastic bottle, producing a blue tablet. "She needs this," he says, apologetic. He's gone and then he's back again, before I can think of anything to say.
**
Later there's a knock at the door and Heidi turns from the kitchen cupboard and is gone, out for the night with her friends. In what I guess is a move to be closer to her, Sean casually fits himself in the mold Heidi leaves in the leather couch.
Gina doesn’t wake when I lie down next to her, and I listen to the silence in the house, no phone ringing, no television, no upstairs/downstairs neighbors thumping or screaming—nothing. Outside, the sun begins to fade. Gina begins to snore and I turn on my side to watch her sleep. I put my hand on her stomach and she opens her eyes. "Hello," I say.
"Hi," she says. "Where's Michael?"
"He's in the front room," I say.
She touches her cheek. "I don't feel so good," she says.
I put the back of my hand to her forehead, feeling the heat. Her face tightens and I draw back my hand. She doesn't say anything but gets up and goes into the bathroom, checks her face in the mirror and heads for the front room.
I remind myself that it means everything to try. That you don't always win when you try is a bitter pill, but I've learned to accept certain defeats against the victories that come now and then.
My latest victory is getting Gina pregnant. Monthly visits to the gynecologist had pointed to me as the prime suspect in the crime of Infertility. The militaristic precautions I'd taken with women in college seemed laughable now.
But this victory—like all my victories—came on the heels of defeat. The night before we found out we were pregnant, we'd gone to the grocery store together, as always, and when we got to the checkout line, our groceries for the week already bagged and in the waiting cart, my check required a manager's signature. I explained to Gina about the small problem we'd had a few weeks earlier while the line behind us grew.
The manager was forever in coming and I was embarrassed as people started to leave our line for lane 12, opened up by the delay. "If he'd just come and sign it," I said. "I cleared this up last week." The check-out girl, a high schooler with short brown hair, just smiled. "I cleared it up last week," I said to Gina, who wouldn't look me in the eyes. She left me with the check-out girl, walking straight out to our car.
Finally the manager did come, the same manager I'd cleared this matter up with the week before, and I thanked him for taking so long. Seconds after, I pushed our cart to the parking lot where Gina didn't help me load the groceries. The grocery store was the last in a short run of defeats, coming after the disconnection of our phone and the near repossession of Gina's car.
"I'm going to sleep," Gina says, coming back in from the front room. "Michael wants to know if you'll pick up some stuff for dinner."
"Sure," I say. I want to kiss her goodnight on her lips, but settle for the flaming skin of her cheek.
Sean is inside the garage with the garage door closed. His body shrinks in the yellow light and he tells me, "Don't let anyone give you shit," pointing at the plates on his charcoal convertible Mercedes: FEAR.
He hands me a folded slip of paper, the list, and a set of keys, which sink like gold into my hands.
"Be right back," I say. He waves and steps back into the house when I click open the garage door.
**
I creep down Sunset Boulevard, hoping to attract attention. I pick up the car phone and pretend to talk to my agent, or an adoring fan who somehow got my cell number. I pass a wall-like billboard for Sean's new movie. The movie is doing better than it might have, is one way to look at it.
I cradle the phone with my shoulder as I turn a corner, imaging what that looks like to the average pedestrian when the phone shrieks in my ear. My shoulder drops and the phone lands in my lap where it rings again. Not sure if I should answer it or not I reason it might by Sean so I punch the Send button.
"Hello?"
A sharp crackling comes across the wire. "You can't hide what you did," the man's voice on the other end says. I'm slow to process the information and before I can say anything the line goes dead. I coolly insert the handset back in its cradle but my heart is trying to beat itself free of my chest. The voice sounded like Sean's. I dial Sean's number—I'll ask him something about the groceries when he answers—but the recording reminds me that he's changed his number.
Somehow the grocery store Sean described is not where he said it would be, or I turned left when I should've turned right. Instead, I'm at a place called Out of Water, a club with valets that look like action stars. I pull into the parking lot and turn around as a valet steps toward me. I can’t hear what he says over the din of honking, cars moving tentatively through the late night rush hour, trying to negotiate among crowds of careless jaywalkers. I inch into the stream of cars and fiddle with the radio to avoid the stares of the driver who I’ve cut off.
"How do you know Sean?" a voice asks.
A woman as beautiful as any movie star comes up alongside the passenger side door.
"I'm sorry?"
"This is Sean's car," she says. "Who are you?"
"A friend," I say. "Who are you?"
"Darlene," she says, smiles. "Can you give me a ride home?"
"Where do you live?" I ask.
"I live at Highland Gardens," she tells me. "Vine and Outpost."
I nod, pretending to know where it is. "Where is Outpost?"
"I live right below Sean's house," she says, climbing in. Her nearness makes me accidentally rev the car, and the valet looks over at us.
The scene: me and Darlene cruising a convertible Mercedes down Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood. Wide shot of other vehicles slowing to look in, some honking as they pass. Cut to: Interior of car. Night. Present. Darlene picks through Sean's CD's with her slender hands, her thick hair flowing majestically over her bare shoulders. Not finding anything, she turns up the radio instead.
"How do you know Sean?" I ask. You'd love to get more dirt, to keep piling it on.
"I worked on his last movie," she answers. "I catered it." She waits a beat and then says, "You never said who you were."
"Jake," I say. Giving Darlene a fake name thrills me but isn't enough of an erasure to make any real difference. I've imagined this scenario before but the fantasy was edgeless and the certain realities of cruising in a Mercedes through Hollywood with a beautiful woman doesn't inject the joy I always imagined it would.
Breaking from traffic, I speed down an empty stretch of road to accelerate the feeling of the wind whipping around us.
"And how do you know Sean?"
I think what to say. Finishing the lie seems impossible, so I blow it by telling her I'm married to his sister.
"Left the wife at home?" Her tone is that familiar mock I know so well.
"Up at the house," I tell her. "She's pregnant."
"And you're riding around in Sean's car picking up strange women?" she asks, laughs.
"I'm supposed to be picking up dinner," I say.
"It's after nine," she says, pointing to the luminous numbers between the gauges.
"Yeah," I say. I feel failure generally.
"You must be excited about having children," she says.
I hadn't thought of it that way, but agree with her.
"I want to have kids," she says, adding: "Someday."
"Why?" I blurt out. The desperate tone of the question is too revealing and I'd love to get that one back, too.
She has to think before answering: "Security." The word drifts in and out of the car, hanging around uncomfortably until I come to a stop sign and it floats away.
"So much can happen," I say. "A lot can go wrong."
"A lot can go wrong when you're single, too," she tells me. "And you don't have anyone to help you out."
I think about the last time I helped Gina out and realized it wasn't so long ago, last week when she was trying to decide whether or not to work after the baby was born. It didn't matter to me, I said. When she was sure I wasn't just saying it, she decided not to. We don't need it, I said. This she didn't believe, but she didn't know about our new fortune, the money in the bank from selling the tape of her brother I found in a box forgotten in the storage shed I was forced to rent to house some of Sean's excess shit. The one you should want to get back you don't. This victory is a double victory, the genius of the caper and the money to boot. It wasn't all about the money, though. I'll admit it helps things out to see the great Sean Fear squirm a little. A triple victory.
"Do you have a name picked out?" Darlene asks.
I tell her we're having trouble with that one.
"I've always liked Madeline," she says.
Gina and I discarded Madeline early on, but I don't tell Darlene that.
"What do you think about—," I start but the car phone rings and I freeze up. It rings twice and Darlene asks, "Aren't you going to get that?"
"I don't think it's for me," I say.
"Maybe it's Sean wondering where you are," she says.
"Sean knows where I am," I say and the ringing stops.
"Here," Darlene says, pointing.
I pull in the circular driveway.
"Thanks for the ride," Darlene says. "Tell Sean to hang in there. In this town, you're never out for long." She waves and is gone through the lighted lobby. From the driveway of the Highland Garden Apartments I can see the darkness cloaking Sean’s house, the houses above and below twinkling with yellow light.
I notice a pair of sunglasses in the passenger’s seat and though I 'm not sure they're Darlene’s, I want to ask her what she thinks of the name that suddenly pops into my mind.
The brown linoleum in the lobby squeaks under my feet and the air smells old and metallic. The night clerk tells me Darlene's apartment is beyond the pool, on the second floor. The light from the pool illuminates the pink apartments and you get the feeling you're standing in the palm of a giant, outstretched hand. I realize I've forgotten the number the night clerk told me and I'm about to turn back when I hear voices from the darkened corner of the pool area. Squinting, I can make out two figures on a chaise lounge.
Darlene suddenly appears on the second floor balcony above the pool and I hurry towards the stairs, not wanting to interrupt the two poolside lovers, who are moving so hard and fast the legs of the chaise lounge are scraping the kooldecking. Darlene disappears and I peek at the two by the pool again and am caught in Heidi's gaze, her ditzed out expression blank as a sheet of tinfoil reflecting the moonlight back into the black sky. She appears to be reaching out to me, her arm stretching up but then suddenly dropping to her side, her head rotating and then obscured by the body on top of her.
I tuck the sunglasses into my pocket and rush through the lobby, not hearing the night clerk's question. All I can see is Heidi shipwrecked on the cement beach.
Sean is waiting for me in the kitchen, a look of concern comes over his face when he sees me. "What happened?" he asks. "Didn't the car phone ring?"
I measure the look on his face and the seizure I'm about to have subsides when I sense he doesn't know anything. "I got lost," I tell him, which can always be true. I make up a story of wrong turns and he is relieved. "Where's Heidi?" I ask.
Unconcerned, without a missing a beat, he says, "She's staying with her friend."
"Are these yours?" I ask, nervously producing the sunglasses.
"I've been looking for those," he says, slipping the dark glasses on. He looks over his shoulder, as if trying the glasses on for the first time.
"I'm going to check on Gina," I say.
"So you didn't get the groceries?" he asks, disappointed.
"Um, no," I say. "Sorry."
"Don't worry about it," he says, his tired face trying for a smile. He goes to the refrigerator and the double doors make a kissing sound when he swings them open. I leave him there in the kitchen, arms spread, hanging onto the refrigerator doors, staring into the light reflected in the lens of his sunglasses.
Jamie Clarke
Currently residing in Boston by way of Montana and Arizona